Parshas Chukas
By Rabbi Dovid Zauderer
G-d willing, this coming week my wife Ahuva and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. To mark this special occasion, we would like to share with you some of what we’ve learned over the years… Enjoy!
1) At the beginning of your marriage - or any time after that - make sure to find yourselves a rabbi or mentor who you respect and trust, and who you can turn to – come what may – to get you through difficult times.
2) G-d must be at the center of every healthy marriage.
3) Next to your relationship with G-d, your marriage is the most important relationship in your life. No job, no hobby, no family member should be more important than your spouse.
4) It’s absolutely critical to create a “mission statement” in your marriage, i.e., what’s important to both of you and what your common goals are.
5) Marriage is work – serious work - but work pays off. Remember, marriage is not about “happily ever after”, it’s about “happily ever after hard work”.
6) Always remind yourself that the person you married is your bashert, your soulmate, and that you couldn’t have married anyone else. If you start to compare, you may despair.
7) Your spouse will be together with you in Olam HaBa and for all eternity – so you had better get used to him and whatever quirks he has.
8) The moment you embrace your differences and stop focusing on them …. your love will flourish.
9) A beautiful and stable marriage is the biggest and most important gift you can give your kids.
10) Never stop dating, even when you are married for 30 years. That precious time spent together away from everyone and everything is the best investment you can ever make in your marriage.
11) The small notes matter, not the big gifts.
12) Say “I love you” to each other as many times a day as you can.
13) Love is a verb. It is a choice. Every day. Focus on all the good in your spouse and decide to stay in love forever.
14) Respect, respect, respect. Even if it’s hard, find what to respect. Remember what you initially respected in your spouse.
15) We can change ourselves; we can’t change our spouse.
16) Believe in your spouse and she will live up to those expectations.
17) Live life intentionally … decide what you want your life/marriage to be … and create it.
18) Before you speak – think! – will your words build or break your spouse/child.
19) Never put yourself down in front of your spouse. He thinks highly of you – keep it that way. If you need to complain about your weight or your weaknesses, call a friend.
20) Look at life challenges as “our” challenges – you are always on the same team.
21) Your face is public property – and your mood will create a domino effect that will hurt all those around you. Regardless of what’s happening, there should always be a sense of serenity and purpose in your home. Turn on music, tape on a smile, make your children feel secured and loved.
22) Know how and when to argue. Never argue in the heat of things. Stay away from sarcasm. Sarcasm comes from the Greek word meaning “to tear flesh”. A more fitting description has yet to be found. You may be winning all the arguments but losing the marriage.
23) One of you spends too much. It’s your spouse.
24) Try to apologize before your spouse does. Soon it will become a habit your spouse will pick up, and your children will take it with them to their marriages.
25) Nothing is worth losing shalom bayis (domestic harmony) and the Shechinah (Divine Presence) over. Every unnecessary fight pushes G-d away from your home a little bit more.
26) Remember! Around 90% of arguments in a marriage are the result of not understanding where the other person is coming from at that particular moment – or what kind of bad day they had. So think before you shout, and you will save yourself a lot of grief.
27) When you are feeling really resentful of your spouse, take out a piece of paper and force yourself to write down five things that are special about him. Keep it with you and review it often.
28) Never go to bed on an argument.
29) You may not agree on parenting, but you have to speak with one voice.
30) There will be a day when the kids will no longer be a distraction, and you will be left with the investment that you put into your marriage over the early years.
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