Parshas Vayechi
By Rabbi Dovid Zauderer
Marvin was in the hospital on his deathbed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher - feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it - put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said: “YOU’RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!â€
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All kidding aside, it is of critical importance when one is on his deathbed to allow him to transmit the appropriate spiritual message to those present …. before the opportunity is missed and it’s too late.
Which brings us to the Jewish tradition of a tzava’ah, or “ethical willâ€.
Besides passing on worldly possessions to friends, family, and charitable organizations through the use of a “legal will†(some would call that a “dead giveawayâ€), many people want to leave a different kind of legacy: their values, principles, personal stories and history, and wishes for their family’s future.
This is what an ethical will is for—to enable the writer’s legacy to be known, remembered, and preserved by future generations.
The first ethical wills in recorded history can be found in this week’s Torah portion, Parshas Vayechi, where in addition to tasking his son Joseph with specific instructions regarding his burial (see Genesis 47:29-31), Jacob is described as gathering his children around his bedside to tell them how they should live after he is gone (ibid. Chapter 49).
While there are no formal aspects to ethical wills (ethical wills are not legal documents), they typically include three broad areas of content:
1) Lessons learned and meaningful family and personal stories from the past
2) Values, beliefs, and expressions of gratitude from the present
3) Advice, hopes, and requests for the future
Here are two key points to keep in mind when considering writing an ethical will:
Besides serving to pass on one’s values, beliefs, and wishes to others, an ethical will can also benefit the people who write one. By articulating what you value most in life, reflecting on your personal experiences, and thinking about the decisions you’ve made, you can learn more about yourself. In this way, an ethical will can be used as a tool for self-reflection and self-improvement.
It is also important to know that ethical wills are not just for people on their deathbeds, Heaven forbid, nor even just for seniors. Anyone can write an ethical will at any age. In fact, it is a great idea to write one around the High Holidays – and to take it out and look at it every year after that just to see how well we are staying true to our own legacy.
Just to give you an example of what an ethical will looked like during the Middle Ages, here is an excerpt from the Tzava’ah of Eleazar of Mainz c.1357. He was neither a scholar nor a rabbi … just a simple Jew who wished to pass on to his children certain Torah values:
“These are the things which my sons and daughters shall do at my request. They shall go to the house of prayer morning and evening and shall pay special regard to the Tefillah and the Shema. So soon as the service is over, they shall occupy themselves a little with the Torah, the Psalms, or with works of charity. Their business must be conducted honestly, in their dealings both with Jew and Gentile. They must be gentle in their manners and prompt to accede to every honorable request. They must not talk more than is necessary; by this will they be saved from slander, falsehood, and frivolity. They shall give an exact tithe of all their possessions: they shall never turn away a poor man empty-handed, but must give him what they can, be it much or little. If he beg a lodging overnight, and they know him not, let them provide him with the wherewithal to pay an innkeeper. Thus shall they satisfy the needs of the poor in every possible way....
“If they can by any means contrive it, my sons and daughters should live in communities, and not isolated from other Jews, so that their sons and daughters may learn the ways of Judaism. Even if compelled to solicit from others the money to pay a teacher, they must not let the young of both sexes go without instruction in the Torah. Marry your children, O my sons and daughters, . . .to members of respectable families. Let no child of mine hunt after money by making a low match for that object; . . .
“I earnestly beg my children to be tolerant and humble to all, as I was throughout my life. Should cause for dissension present itself, be slow to accept the quarrel; seek peace and pursue it with all the vigor at your command. Even if you suffer loss thereby, forbear and forgive, for G-d has many ways of feeding and sustaining His creatures. To the slanderer do not retaliate with counterattack; and though it be proper to rebut false accusations, yet it is most desirable to set an example of reticence. You yourselves must avoid uttering any slander, for so will you win affection. In trade be true, never grasping at what belongs to another. For by avoiding these 3 wrongs-scandal, falsehood, money-grubbing-men will surely find tranquility and affection. And against all evils, silence is the best safeguard
“Be very particular to keep your houses clean and tidy. I was always scrupulous on this point, for every injurious condition and sickness and poverty are to be found in foul dwellings. Be careful over the benedictions; accept no divine gift without paying back the Giver's part; and His part is man's grateful acknowledgment. On holidays and festivals and Sabbaths seek to make happy the poor, the unfortunate, widows and orphans, who should always be guests at your tables; their joyous entertainment is a religious duty.
“Let me repeat my warning against gossip and scandal. And as you speak no scandal, so listen to none; for if there were no receivers there would be no bearers of slanderous tales; therefore the reception and credit of slander is as serious an offense as the originating of it. The less you say, the less cause you give for animosity, while . “in the multitude of words there wants transgression.†[Proverbs 10:19]
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