Parshas Vayakheil (5779) Shekalim
It is recorded in the Babylonian Talmud in Shabbos 30b that before the great Amoraic sage Rabbah would begin his daily Torah class, he would first share with his students a milsa d’bedichusa – a humorous story, anecdote or joke – just to “open their hearts†with some joy and laughter. So in the time-honored tradition of Rabbah, I, too, would like to share with you a milsa d’bedichusa (author unknown) for you to enjoy before reading this Dvar Torah:
TOP 10 THOUGHTS THAT RUN THROUGH YOUR HEAD ON A BAD DATE
1. Don't you dare order the steak!
2. Nod and smile, nod and smile ... maybe he has a good-looking friend.
3. Did she actually say he was "cute"? ... try "bald"!
4. I think I saw a window in the bathroom.
5. I'll just spell the word "help" with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.
6. That's so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.
7. What would MacGyver do in this situation?
8. I will never, ever trust my mother again.
9. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?
10. This girl puts the “uch†in shidduch.
Now I bet that some of you are wondering exactly what a shidduch is. [And no, it’s not a curse word!]
The shidduch (lit. “matchâ€; pronounced SHEE-dukh; Hebrew: שִ×דּוּךְ, pl. shidduchim שִ×דּוּכִי×) is a system of matchmaking in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another in Orthodox Jewish communities for the purpose of marriage. In Orthodox Jewish circles, dating is limited to the search for a marriage partner.
Both sides (usually the singles themselves, parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries about the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character, intelligence, level of learning and knowledge, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance.
A shidduch often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends or others who know either the girl or the guy or both. Some engage in matchmaking as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Ohers do it simply as a chessed (kindness). Usually a professional matchmaker is called a shadchan, but really anyone who makes a shidduch is considered the shadchan for it.
[Many people are not aware of this, but even a non-professional shadchan must be paid shadchanus gelt or given a special gift for his services. This is no different than any other business transaction where a service is provided (see Ramâ€a Choshen Mishpat 185:10). The shadchan must be paid even if he did not exert a significant amount of energy or put in a lot of time and effort for the shidduch. Merely arranging dates or meetings over the phone is enough to warrant payment.]
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days or weeks after originally meeting with each other. Also the age when shidduchim start may vary by community. In religious circles, especially among Hassidim, eighteen is the age when shidduchim start and shadchanim take notice.
If the shidduch does not work out, then usually the shadchan is contacted and it is he/she that tells the other side that it will not be going ahead. [This avoids the potential embarrassment of face-to-face rejection.] If the shidduch works out, then the couple inform the shadchan of its success. In the best of cases, the shadchan’s job is now done, and he/she fades into the background. However, there are times when the shadchan’s services are required up until the wedding day and sometimes even beyond – especially when one side gets “cold feet†or has other issues which the shadchan can help iron out with a little “hand-holding†and convincing.
One Biblical source for paying the shadchan for his/her matchmaking services can be found in Shemos Rabbah (Parshah 33) where the Midrash tells us that “Moses’ face becoming radiant†(see Exodus 34:29-35) was actually payment from G-d to Moses for his being the go-between in the shidduch between G-d and the Jewish people.
The etymology of the word shidduch or shadchan is not 100% clear, although various interesting theories have been suggested by the Rabbis over the centuries and millennia:
(1) The great medieval scholar and Talmudist Rabbeinu Nissim (1320-1376) – also known as the Raâ€n – writes in his commentary to the Talmud in Shabbos 5b that the word shidduch is actually an Aramaic word meaning “serenity†and “securityâ€. He explains that the wife is searching for her other half – her bashert (“destinedâ€) – and only achieves true serenity and security when she finds her shidduch.
(2) The great Torah scholar Rabbeinu Zerachyah HaLeivi (1125-1186) – known as the Ba’al HaMaor – writes that the word shidduch means “knotâ€, so that when a couple finds their shidduch they “tie the knot†of matrimony.
(3) Some have suggested that the Hebrew word shadchan (spelled shin, daled, khuf, nun) is actually an acronym of a verse in Psalms (107:16): “Khi Sheebar Dalsos Nechoshes – For He smashed the gates of copperâ€. This talks to the difficult task that many a shadchan has “to smash the gates of copperâ€, i.e. to do all he can to remove the obstacles and resolve the issues that often come between both sides and threaten to break the shidduch (and which make his matchmaking fee well-deserved indeed!)
(4) At times an eager shadchan may “bend the truth†and overrepresent a person’s good attributes or suppress some of their less-savory side. This has given rise to the joke (theory?) that the Hebrew word shadchan (שדכן) is an acronym for sheker doveir, kesef noteil, “speaks falsehood, takes money.†[The truth is that a little bit of “truth-bending†is often necessary and warranted in order to get a shidduch to go through. For exact halachic guidelines on what you can and can’t say when suggesting a shidduch, speak to your local rabbi.]
The Midrash in Bereishis Rabbah (68:4) relates that a Roman matron once asked Rabbi Yosi ben Chalafta, “Now that G-d has finished creating the universe, what does He do?†The rabbi replied that G-d now makes matches, bringing couples together so that they can marry each other.
We learn from this Midrash that making shidduchim and bringing couples together is actually doing G-d’s work – and is a great chessed and a tremendous mitzvah.
http://www.torchweb.org/torah_detail.php?id=554