Parshas Ki Sisa (5779)
By Rabbi David Zauderer of Toronto, Canada
I don’t know how many of you are aware of this… but around four years ago I was diagnosed with early-onset Parkinson’s Disease. [I guess you could say it was the “shake-up†of my life!]
For those who don’t know, Parkinson’s Disease [PD] is a long-term degenerative disorder of the central nervous system that mainly affects the motor system. Non-motor symptoms, however, become increasingly common as the disease worsens. The symptoms generally come on slowly over time. Early in the disease, the most obvious are shaking, rigidity, slowness of movement, and difficulty with walking (although not every person with PD has a visible tremor). Thinking and behavioral problems may also occur. And things get worse as the disease progresses…
When I first heard the diagnosis, I said to myself, “Parkinson’s? That’s not good!†But then my doctor had me undergo a Brain MRI to confirm the diagnosis by ruling out other far more serious conditions such as ALS or a brain tumor, after which I said to myself, “Thank G-d, I have Parkinson’s!â€
[I remember that when I came out of the MRI and asked for the results, one of the nurses said to me, “We did an MRI of your brain and we found nothingâ€. I asked her if there might be a better way to phrase that response…]
So why am I telling you all this, you ask? (No, I don’t need any cheesy “get-well-soon†cards… although some kosher Godiva chocolate truffles would really hit the spot! Just kidding, I don’t need chocolate either. But if the next time you speak to our Father in Heaven you could put in a good word for me and ask Him to please grant me – Dovid Menachem ben Nechamah Reizel – a complete and speedy recovery among the ill members of Israel, it would be greatly appreciated!)
Actually, I am sharing part of my story with you because there are two simple yet profound Torah insights – both of which derive from this week’s Torah portion, Parshas Ki Sisa - that have helped me greatly on my own PD “journey†and that I am hoping will do the same for you on whatever journey you might be on.
The first insight relates to the “Thirteen Attributes of Divine Mercy†recorded in Exodus 34:6-7, which are actually the central theme of the Selichos (penitential prayers) recited during both the Ma’ariv and Neilah services on Yom Kippur and which are repeated many times throughout that Holy Day.
What are these Thirteen Attributes and why are they so important for us to repeat so many times on the holiest day of the year?
After the Jewish people sinned with the Golden Calf, G-d proclaimed His readiness to do away with the Jewish people and to start the nation anew with Moses. Moses felt that Israel’s sin was so beyond repair that there was no possibility of interceding on their behalf. G-d then appeared to him in the guise of a chazzan (cantor) wrapped in a tallis (prayer shawl) and taught him the Thirteen Attributes. G-d said, “Whenever Israel sins, let them recite this in its proper order and I will forgive them. So this appeal for mercy reminds us that we can always do teshuvah (repentance) and return to G-d, and that He always awaits our return to Him.
We can now see why these Thirteen Attributes play such a prominent role in our prayers on Yom Kippur. Without them, we would have no hope. These Attributes afford us a glimpse of G-d’s incredible compassion and mercy and give us the confidence that He will accept our teshuvah and atone for all our sins.
The first of the 13 Attributes of Divine Mercy is Ado-noy - G-d. The Talmud in Rosh Hashanah 17b teaches us that this Name represents the attribute of G-d’s compassion before one has sinned.
The Roâ€sh in his commentary (ibid) asks why does one need G-d’s compassion before one has sinned? He answers that even though G-d knows that the person will sin in the future, His compassion for him at present remains, since the person has not yet sinned.
The Maharaâ€l of Prague in Nesiv HaTeshuvah Chapter 6 offers a different answer. He writes that even before a person has sinned, he still needs G-d’s compassion and mercy just to gain life itself. This is because G-d owes us nothing; all that we have is only due to His grace and compassion.
You see, most of us think that life – as well as perfect health – is coming to us. That’s baseline. And any time things dip below baseline and we get sick or lose our job or whatever, we start complaining. But do you know what that’s like? It’s like getting a brand new Lexus from a friend as a gift and then calling him to complain that the transmission doesn’t shift so smoothly!
The Maharaâ€l explains that the First Attribute of Divine Mercy, Ado-noy - which we need even before we sin - stands as a reminder that nothing is coming to us. It is all a gift that we haven’t earned. It is only due to G-d’s infinite compassion that we are alive – in good health or not. So how can we complain?
The second insight comes from elsewhere in Parshas Ki Sisa where Moses is requesting from G-d, “Show me now Your glory†(see Exodus 33:18).
The Talmud in Berachos 7a explains that Moses was thereby asking the profound and age-old question: "Why are there righteous people who suffer and wicked people who prosper?" To which G-d responded: "Behold! There is a place near Me; you may stand on the rock. When My glory passes by, I shall place you in a cleft of the rock; I shall shield you with My hand until I have passed. Then I shall remove My hand and you will see My back, but My face may not be seen."
The Chasam Sofer (1762-1839) explains G-d’s response that “only His back can be seen but not His face†allegorically. "My face may not be seen" means understanding things while they are happening. A period of time can only be fully understood once we are able to view the entire context of events and happenings. In the same way, we are only able to understand G-d’s ways and recognize how He works in the world “from the backâ€, i.e. in retrospect. Only then is it possible to fathom even a little of what G-d does
The Talmud in Niddah 31a uses the analogy of two people who set out on a business trip when one of them hurt his foot on a thorn [and was forced to cancel his trip]. Angrily he began to curse and blaspheme. Later on when he found out that the ship [on which he had booked passage] had sunk into the sea, he began to praise and extol.
I know and believe that everything G-d does is for the best – yes, even my getting sick with Parkinson’s Disease is somehow part of G-d’s merciful Master Plan – yet as we learn from G-d’s response to Moses, we cannot see “G-d’s faceâ€, so while things are happening we cant fully comprehend His ways.
But just like the man who missed the trip was able to see in retrospect that the thorn in his foot was the best possible thing that could ever happen to him, so too will I one day hopefully be able to see “G-d’s backâ€, and understand in retrospect exactly why G-d does what He does – whether I get to see it in my own lifetime or in the next world.
These two simply profound Torah insights give me constant chizuk (strength and encouragement) in my battle with Parkinson’s Disease. May the Healer of All send a speedy recovery to all who need one. Amen.
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